WWJD?!

Pants is going to become a preacher I think. And I don't want to miss even one of his sermons - he has an interesting interpretation of some basic Biblical concepts.

Over dinner he and the Honey Girl (who sit beside each other at the table because, until 3 days ago, they were best friends) were having a bit of a tussle over ..... actually I don't know what it was about. Quite frankly, I didn't care - I was watching them with my cranky eyes on, waiting to see how long it would take for one of them to notice I was watching.

First the Honey Girl pushed Pants a little. So he pushed her back a little. So she pushed a little harder, and he did the same. Then the pushes turned into fake punches, and eventually the fake bit got forgotten and the real fight started.

I eventually accepted that staring at them with a disapproving expression on my face was doing pretty much nothing, and stepped into parenting action. Is it ironic that just this afternoon while I was preparing dinner, I was imagining how our family would show up on "Super Nanny"?! I was picturing horrific scenes of the baby sitting on the bench alone, beside the carving knife and a bubbling saucepan; the 3 year old running naked down the driveway and onto the road; and the older children slouching on the couch doing nothing but staring at the TV. In reality, I was right beside the baby, who was only open to two options - being held in my arms or screaming endlessly, so I plopped him on the bench beside me while I finished preparing dinner. And the Naked 3 Year Old Sprint was closely pursued by the Fully Clothed Mother Dash, which overtook said Sprint and hauled the only competitor back up stairs and secured the gate so there would be no repeat. And the children were watching TV because they'd been told to stay out of the kitchen, out of my way and not to fight no matter what, and of course staring at a screen achieves all three of these in one easy activity! But I'm sure we'd make awesome viewing on reality TV!

Anyway, there I was, staring hard to no avail, so I interrupted the tit-for-tat with a verbal reprimand, stated that it was to end now and mentioned that Time Out would follow any further hitting or pushing. (Super Nanny would be proud!)
Pants and the Honey Girl looked at me dumb founded, like I was interrupting the best sporting event this century has known. So I tried to explain suitable ways of expressing anger at your dinner companion that don't involve your hands, fists or any swear words you picked up recently.

Still no comprehension. Pants wanted to know what he was meant to do is his sister pushed him or hit him, if hitting her back was not an option.
In exasperation, and knowing it was Chapel Day at school today, I asked "Well what do you think Jesus would do if the Honey Girl was hitting HIM?"and sat back, triumphant, that Pants would know the Bible said something about turning the other cheek.

"This" he replied - and held up his hands in her direction and very clearly mimed, with sound effects, the zapping of someone with a lightning bolt.

I think I might need to change careers. Where do I go to resign from motherhood?!