The Bible Like You've Never Seen It Before!

Recently I've had to speak to Pants about vandalism and graffiti. It's one thing to colour the mouths of magazine models in black so they appear to be missing all their teeth. But drawing in your brother's picture Bible and changing the stories with your additions is not acceptable .... and it's really hard for your mother to discipline you when she's almost choking in an attempt to hold her laughter back!
It seems comedic creativity is a strong point for Pants - if we find a more suitable outlet. Who would have imagined that odd random thoughts, a Bible and a blue pen would be such an amusing combination?!

So here it is folks - the newly improved Toddler's Picture Bible, with added detail and aspects of your favourite stories that I bet you never knew!


Daniel in the Lion's Den
Daniel was thrown into a den of lions! Except some of them were not actually lions.....they were reindeer! And lions with giant noses.



The Christmas Story
Mary and Joseph stayed at an inn in Bethlehem, where they had a very special baby, named Jesus. Except it's all very confusing with these camels and sheep and donkeys and reindeer and Rudolphs and Santas and Marys and Josephs. How is a 6 year old supposed to fit them all into one story?
Well, the secret behind it all is -
Mary and Joseph WERE reindeer. See?





The Wise Men
The Wise Men saw a special bright star in the sky and so they followed it. It was going to lead them to a new king. Except it turns out it was moving because it was a falling star, and it fell. Right onto the Wise Man's head. And he fell off his camel and was dead with a star in his head. He wasn't so wise after all.


Blind Bartimaeus
Bartimaeus's eyes didn't work properly and he could not see. Jesus healed him and then he could see! Bartimeaus was so excited to be able to see - he jumped up and down and cheered.
And a chocolate fell out of his mouth and on to the ground, and Jesus had to bend down and pick it up.


Jesus and Mary
Jesus and Mary were friends. When Jesus came to show Mary He was alive again, she was excited. And she wanted to hypnotise Him, so she started saying "You are *compwetewy* under my controooolllll".... but you can't hypnotise Jesus, so it bounced off Him and got the cat that was standing behind them. And now the cat is *compwetewy* under Mary's controoooool.

Return of the K ....ah ..... K-razy Lady Who Blogs About Her Delightful Children

Finally, after some crazy months involving a pregnancy where I became very ill, then a new baby born 7 weeks early, then the chaos of Christmas, then the Rooster flew off to work in Africa for 18 weeks straight (smart man isn't he?!) and then the new school year beginning ..... I'm back!!

I'm just doing some tidying up around the blog and will begin posting again very soon! As the family is planning on relocating overseas, to Africa, later this year I'm sure there will be plenty to blog about. I mean - 6 kids on a flight that lasts for over 20 hours when we can barely manage the 3 minute drive to school without someone pushing/hitting/leaning/spitting/ BREATHING on someone else, and that someone else's world collapsing as a result ..... well, there'll be plenty to blog about won't there?!!

Anyway, while I reacquaint myself with my blog let me introduce you to our newest family member - Gavin. (So named because Boombah cannot quite pronouce his little brother's carefully chosen and much loved Irish middle name, and calls him Gavin instead, which has now stuck!
Gavin - born in December 2010, weighing 5 lb 5 ozes and very quickly stealing our hearts and pretty much taking control of this crazy family!
Note in the first picture he is smiling - he already thinks his siblings are crazy and it's going to be a wild ride!!

Doggone it!

No cute stories this time.
No endearing pictures.
No amusing lead up or colourful background or wntertaining explanations.

Just a very concerned mother who is struggling to determine which lesson is most important to instill in her offspring -
Is it :

1) Don't paint in dog poo on your brother's back?

OR

2) If someone wants to paint in dog poo on your back, don't be so compliant. Refuse the offer, at the very least.

I've just spent my early evening attempting to convey both messages. Apparently I'm the only one who is seeing the "big deal" here ...........

Do I Have.....

...a facial hair problem??

No, really. Seriously. If you know me in real life, does my glaringly obvious growth of facial hair attract your awkward gaze and make it difficult for you to maintain eye contact. Because you keep wanting to stare at my upper lip and chin?!


Because I just told Pants to get into my shower. (to avoid the Cold War - where he gets into the shower with his older brothers and antagonising younger sister and they take turns throwing the soaked-in-cold-water facewasher at him so it splats water all over him)

"But Muuu-uuuum" he moaned "I hate that pink thing."
"What pink thing?" I asked perplexed
"That pink thing in your shower."
"I don't know what pink thing you mean Pants. What's it look like?"
"It's pink." (Incredibly helpful and detailed in description!)

"I really don't know what you mean. Now get in the shower."
"But I don't want to get in there with the pink thing" he persisted

"PANTS! WHAT pink thing are you TALKING about??!"


"That pink thing you use to shave off your moustache and beard, Mum."

Search for the Truth

As we're expecting the 6th and final installment in this crazy household (due in January) there's been a little interest recently in the biological facts of life. I've dodged the questions, created diversions and distractions, suggested it'd be a conversation better suited to when the Rooster is home and even taken a deep breath .................. and run off screaming to hide under the bed.

But alas, my children's search for knowledge is insatiable and they are determined to continue on their quest. And discover the truth.

HOW did that baby get into your tummy. And HOW is going to get out?




This is one of those tough aspects of parenting for which you are never quite prepared. And, in my case I suspect, also one of those aspects of parenting that you mess up no matter how much practise you get.
And I've already had some practise.


When I was pregnant with the Boombah, the elder two boys were a little curious as to how he got in there. Of course, as with the current situation, such questions arose when the Rooster was working away. (I'm beginning to think it's part of his plan - knock me up and get the hell outta here so he can avoid dealing with the hairy questions!) It fell on my shoulders to ensure our older sons received an age-appropriate lesson on the biological processes of conception, pregnancy and birth. It was my duty to send my young men out into the world armed with truth, knowledge and understanding about this delicate and incredible part of life. I carried the burden of education, increased awareness and understanding in the future generation.

And so I sat Tubby and the Rabbit (then aged about 8 and 5) down at the kitchen bench, took a deep breath, and began.
I described the body and the basic differences between a man and woman. All good. I explained that things were different inside as well. All good. I chose to use the word "womb" instead of uterus, as it seemed easier for a small mind to remember and gentler on the lips of a 5 year old. Not so good.
The Rabbit's eyes opened in horror and he began gasping. About me having a "worm" inside me.

Then I spoke briefly about ovaries and eggs. Tubby wondered if I'd cluck like a chicken, and could he have an omelette next time please?

We moved (hurriedly) on from anatomy to body functions. The delicate matter of the act of conception. Tubby brightened up when he realised this part involved a "race" and that he was the result of a winning sperm! He had won a race against millions before he was even born. Yes, impressive, I know!

Then began the questions on how the eggshell was cracked. And was it like baking a cake? And did the sperm need to bash the egg on the side of a bowl or hit it with a knife?
They're both still convinced the "act" of babymaking involves the man peeing on the woman.

And then we quickly descended into a whole host of inappropriate jokes and hysterical giggles. Peppered with me attempting to clarify what they had clearly misunderstood, and both boys hiding under the bench, ears covered, squealing "Oh GROSS Mu-um!".
And then popping back up for another joke or crude remark.

At about this point I gave up trying to teach anything, fix something or correct any misconceptions. I think it was about this point that I did the aforementioned deep breath, followed by running off screaming to hide under the bed.

So you can possibly understand why I am reluctant to embark on this educational journey again. And why I am keen to make any and every effort to avoid a re-attempt until the Rooster is home to do his share. And by his share I mean, it's HIS turn to explain it all. Preferably to the whole brood, unborn baby included! I never want to go there again!

Clearly the "birds and the bees" talk is not my forte as a parent. Although I suspect I am a step up from the Rooster's Dad, who cornered him one day and gruffly muttered "Boy - always wear a quandong"!

Well Of Course!

We've been enjoying the school holidays - long lazy mornings in bed, breakfasts that slowly turn into lunch, and DVDs and pizza for dinner. Particularly the long lazy mornings in bed.

Well at least I have. The kids seem to get up at the same time as always, but if I stay in bed they trickle in one at a time, for a warm snuggle and a giggle. It's a time to be treasured and I've learnt some special things about each of my children during these moments.

Like when Pants came in early one morning in tears, because he'd lost his favourite bedtime toy and had missed him all night. We talked a little about "Tuffly" through the tears and Pants was eventually reassured that the stripey tiger with the big eyes was very likely playing hide'n'seek in the car, after his trip into town with us yesterday.


Fears of having lost him forever soothed, Pants wiped the tears from his eyes with one finger and began drawing on his forehead.
Curious, I asked what he was doing.

"Well", Pants explained, "When my tears are finished I use them to draw rainbows on my forehead, because rainbows come after the rain"!

*sigh* So beautiful!




There's also plenty of silly, giggly moments.
Like when Pants was pretending to be my pillow and had his biggest brother and me laying on him. Amidst the giggles and wriggles, I cautiously whispered "Pants! Can you breathe?"
And he whispered back "NO!"

So I hurriedly gave instructions to get off the poor child before he suffocated with his mother sitting on him. How would I explain THAT should he require medical attention?!

As we fumbled to move and relieve Pants of our weight he continued whispering
"I'm a PILLOW! Of COURSE I can't breathe! Pillows don't breathe!!"

Career Paths to (re) Consider

I've had to dash the Honey Girl's heartfelt and long awaited dreams for her future tonight. Take her deepest longing and lifelong dream and dash it into a thousand broken pieces upon the rock of harsh reality. Utterly destroy a longing her soul .......... ah you get picture!!

Tonight I was making up some music CDs for the boys in iTunes. This is a "game" we play where they select about 127 different songs to go onto a disc, I try to create the disc only to be told the disc space is limited to 20 songs. Then I try to edit the song list and cut it back to 20 without the boys noticing I missed "a few" ..... and then they listen and name the 107 selections I missed, and recite the lyrics.
And we start all over again. *sigh*

So I was distracted tonight. I sent the Honey Girl off to bed with the promise of a story shortly if she waited quietly for me. And, suprisingly, she padded off silently and did not return.
(in hindsight, that should have got the alarm bells a ringin'!)
We finished playing "Can't You Get the Playlist Right Just Once Mu-um?" and I started with the usual evening threats of what will happen if certain boys do not brush their teeth and get into bed. Apparently Pants doesn't mind if his teeth "go all black and fall out" because 1)his brothers keep loosing THEIR teeth and getting paid for each one, so imagine how much money HE'D get if he lost ALL his teeth overnight and 2) black is a way cooler colour than white anyway so who cares if his teeth go black.

I was still pondering an appropriate response to these rather ingenious concepts when the Honey Girl came running excitedly toward me. (In hindsight this should have set the second set of alarm bells ringing!)
"Look Mum! Look!" she shouted "I've been being a hairdresser girl. With my puppy. See - I was the hairdresser girl and I gave her a haircut!"

Let me point out at this crucial stage that her puppy is not alive - we're talking about a small stuffed poodle that was once white and is now a vaguely grey/poo brown shade with fluffy ears and tail tip.

"I'm going to be a hairdresser girl when I grow up, ok?" the Honey Girl continued.

And so I looked. Carefully and very seriously, as such situations require.

And took a deep breath and broke the news as gently as I could.

"Honey Girl, you might need to rethink your future career options. Maybe we can think of something you can be other than a hairdresser?"

"But WHY? I WANT to be a hairdresser girl. I did it already. I'm a hairdresser girl, see? Why can't I be a hairdresser girl when I grow up?"





"Because the puppy is now bald and you've slit open her back with the scissors and her stuffing has all fallen out."

It seems it's not only the Honey Girl's dreams, her hopes and future, lying in a soggy mess on the floor. Poor puppy isn't in such good shape either!!!